Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
