i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
