Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
