Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
