Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
