I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Let's get the cat blown out
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
