i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
