my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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