I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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