Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
