I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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