so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
