The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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