Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
