dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
