Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
She's JV to your varsity
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
