Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
