So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
