Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Plan B is the new Plan A
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Randomize
