does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
