I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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