I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I sprained my soul last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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