how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How external is "for external use only"?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
