i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You made out with two different species that night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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