my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
