I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
