i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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