Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
