The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
