Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
