i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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