wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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