he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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