Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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