I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
