The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
