I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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