Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
