sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
