my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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