I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Even my vagina gasped.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
