guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
