I wanna passion pit in your ass
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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