I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
