fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have fence marks all over my body
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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