clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
