I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
