I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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