i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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