I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
