I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
