I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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