My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
