I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
