That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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