I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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