I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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