I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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