I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
