I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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