if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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