I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
